Can't find my mojo

It seems like no matter how hard I try or how much I want it, I can't seem to get a solid run toward sending the scale downward. I have been back to the gym almost daily and have tried to be very strict with my food intake. But that darn scale won't move! I feel like I need to go to a fat farm for a few weeks and do nothing but workout and eat salad until the ugly scale starts to go down. I want to commit to longer workouts, but I have a pile of work to do and it gets priority. Maybe if I can stop spending money, then I can turn down home studies and have more time for me. But I do love what I do and I never want to miss an opportunity to help others. I can do both, but I must focus, focus, focus.

My closet

In my journey to have a normal weight and be healthy, I was at a size 10 over the past few years. It felt really good to put on a size 10 outfit and like how I looked in it. That being said, I bought way too many clothes in a size 10 or a Medium. Most of them fit well. Some of them were a little bit snug, but I was sure that I would lose enough to fit into them. So as of right now, I have 2 small walk-in closets full of clothes that I can not wear. I just saw a segment on GMA about organizing your closet. She says that if you haven't worn it in a year, you must part with it. My goal needs to be to get down to a size where I can have the opportunity to wear everything in my closet before I decide to get rid of it. What is that like? How do so many people stay the same size over the course of their lives without even thinking about it? I don't get it. I have been everything from a size 10 to a size 20. Right now my goal is to get back to the gym 5 times a week and find a comfortable food plan that will work for me. I also need to find my energy. So I commit to losing the 40 pounds needed to be able to wear all of the clothes in my closet and decide which ones need to be donated to Goodwill. Thanks for listening!

The Beginning of my journey

I am the oldest of 2 girls and was told from the age of 10 that I was overweight and shouldn't eat cookies or ice cream. And so began my eating disordered journey through life. When I look at pictures of me at 10 years old, I was definitely NOT overweight. At 15 years old, my mother took me to a doctor for a diet program. Back in the "dinosaur ages", there were no organized weight loss programs. He gave me a restricted list of foods to eat. I lost from 140 pounds to 120 pounds. Of course, by the time I graduated from high school I was back up to 140 pounds and I let this define my life. I used to steal peanut butter jars from the local grocery store (before mirrors and other theft devices) and would hide them in my drawers and eat peanut butter from a spoon when I was supposed to be asleep. My mother would bake Tollhouse cookies for my sister since she was very skinny. Of course, I would sneak some when no one was looking. I would steal change from my mother's wallet and buy candy at the local soda shop. I never learned how to tell when I was full. I would eat very quickly and my mother said I was like a vacuum cleaner. I began smoking at 14 years old - partly because it was cool and my friends did it and partly to help control my weight. It didn't work. By the time I graduated from college, I was 160 pounds. And I was 180 pounds when I graduated from graduate school. I moved into my own apartment and began Weight Watchers, which was very new at this time. I lost down to 140 pounds and kept it off for  a year or so. During this time, I met my husband and got married. I slowly gained back up to 180 pounds. Then I became pregnant. I refused to go over 200 pounds and only gained 15 pounds during that pregnancy. When my daughter was 1 year old, I went back on a diet and lost down to 140 pounds again. I felt so good. But I was not happy in my marriage and I would eat to hide my feelings. When I was pregnant with my second daughter, I gained 50 pounds and was back up to 190 pounds. I stayed between 160 and 180 for a few years. However, we moved to rural Tennessee and lived among the Amish people. We used to trade ice cubes and blocks of ice for their home made goods. Before I knew it, I was 220 pounds. I went  back to Weight Watchers and lost down to 160 pounds. I felt good even though it was not my goal. I stayed at this weight for a few years and thought that I had the problem licked. But a very stressful job followed by quitting smoking and an even more stressful business and I was up to 230 pounds. If you will notice, up until now I have not mentioned any exercise. I detested exercise and did not want to do it. However, in 2005, I took a job 2 hours from home and moved into an apartment and away from my husband. We still saw each other every week-end, but now I had the week days to myself. I lived near an athletic center and they had water aerobics classes. I thought that I might enjoy that and I did. The first year I lost 30 pounds. I plateaued for about a year and so I began going to the athletic center early in the mornings and exercising, both weights and treadmill, and I really enjoyed it. The next year, I lost another 40 pounds and was back to 160 pounds. I was feeling so good, but still not down to my goal of 140 pounds. I kept it off for several years and all of my clothes were a size 10. I was loving it. I finally had control of my eating....NOT!  In the spring of 2012, during my routine physical, my liver enzymes were elevated. After an ultrasound and a follow up test, which was even higher, my doctor referred me to Vanderbilt to see what was going on. Only they couldn't see me for several months. This was followed by a move to be closer to my younger daughter and no longer very close to a gym. I was trying to be stoic and pretend that I was fine, but I began eating my feelings again. And I was not exercising. So now I am back up to 198 pounds and I am miserable. The liver enzymes turned out to be gall bladder and it was removed in January, but not by Vanderbilt because they didn't know what was wrong with me. Interpret that as much more stress. I have an entire wardrobe of clothes that do not fit and I am miserable. I am not sure now if the depression is causing the lack of energy to stop eating or if the lack of energy is causing the depression, but it really doesn't matter. I am on vacation this week and I want to use this blog to motivate me to get back on track and lose the 40 pounds that I gained and then get to my goal. SO I vow that starting Monday, July 15th, I will get back to healthy eating and an exercise program that I do 5 days a week. As i update this blog, I will talk about my daughters, my marriage and my therapy. Thanks for listening!